November 24th, 2019
I don’t even know how many doses of Lucidity have gone through my system at this point. We’re at two or three a shift… I… sometimes I don’t even notice when it’s on my tongue anymore. It all bleeds together, my active life, the memories, what I read in the text, what those scenes show me. I don’t feel… complete. Parts of myself are scattered, reassembling and dissolving before my eyes, sometimes midsentence. As confident as I was just a week ago, now… now…
If their aim was to keep me sedated and unable to think straight, they’re doing a damn fine job.
I see… I see the future sometimes. I see… threats, fleeting glimpses of danger, the ghost of… of the present? Of the past, that… that is concrete. That is clear to me when I see it. It falls away again, a drop of water in a stream with too great a current, but when I see it—as I see it—I know it to be truth. When I see remnants of my past—our past—it is… it feels like only seconds before that I had witnessed it through my own eyes.
The future now… the future is… murky. Things have changed, perhaps gone off-script, and so I see it shifting in shades of blue, characters floating in and out of existence, the shape and scene warping and morphing without my input.
No… no, no, that isn’t right. The future is not murky, the future is what I see in between… in between. Goddamnit, even writing this, I feel—I feel like a tranquilizer is forcing its way through me, turning my blood to sludge, making me… making something out of me. Squeezing the ideas and words out of my head.
Oddly enough, this is… the lucidity that the drug gives me. Yes, I see more, I can do… more, the fires stay with me as long as I need, but I don’t, I don’t have a clear train of thought anymore. I can barely stay attached to one stream of consciousness for a moment before…
Did I tell you what I saw the other day? No, I suppose not. It is new, it wasn’t seen before, by me or my prior seers.
They had me… I think… three doses? More than I thought necessary, more than I needed. They keep forcing more, crowding, taking up room on my tongue. They think I need it, hah. They think that with more I can see the truth, the scenes and the meaning behind that veil I placed before them so long ago. They still don’t know… they still don’t know I lie to them. That this is my… fate… revenge… for a friend… for myself.
Overdose, that’s what… My God, it wasn’t the other day, it was today. I am… my brain… it’s muddy, makes me think… fragments, all that’s left to me. All that’s left of me.
Saw them. Saw them talking. Wasn’t now, wasn’t then. No, Räum… I gave myself clues. To see what is coming. To know what to… what to avoid. What I can hide from.
No, not hiding. Can’t hide. Hide on way out, will…do more. Run… no… fight… don’t… read for now. Gather information… things, need to know before I leave. Need to see.
Saw them. Saw them talking. The woman… Slagen… Teresa, she was there. She’s there a lot, now. A lot, soon. Not Samir, though. Baum and Fennsler; they were scared. They didn’t know what to do, didn’t see… didn’t know what Teresa’s face looked like, but must have been nightmare. Scare demons… to scare demons, there’s gotta be something wrong with you.
I’m trying to piece it together. One… one moment I was reading about… about… spy. Not spy, someone, someone who changed sides. Created a weapon that killed a lot of people. The name, the name is on the tip of my tongue, but… scatters. The wind takes it. Becomes death.
It doesn’t matter. A human did that. Humans… everything they’ve done, it’s just… just a game. Nothing compared to their… their ideas. What they’ve done. Don’t know what they’ve done, just know… just know it can’t be good. From Hell. Nothing good from Hell.
When I saw them, Teresa slammed her hand against the wall. It was the Zodiac Office; seen it many times. Many perspectives. Not all mine. Handlers, my demon friends, they backed away. Backed away from the pretty woman, if that’s what she really is.
“He’s losing it, you assholes,” she said, not sure, don’t know why. Was about me, certain. “You keep drugging him up and pushing him too far!”
“He’s lying, Teresa,” Baum said, standing straight. Straighter. “He’s more connected to Räum than ever. I feel it. He resonates.”
“So you’re going to fry his brain just because? Give him time, let him recover. That’s an order,” Teresa said. Wanted to like her again. Baum just shook head. “And why not?”
“Because Ray’s not acting like a brother, he’s acting like a spy. He’s not translating for us anymore,” Baum said, no snake, no venom. It was just… fact, to him. Baum saw right through. “Could be Amin’s influence, but this is not the first seer to turn on us.”
“We haven’t had that issue for a while, Bathin,” Teresa said. Betrayed me; betrayed how I felt. Knew the thing’s real name. “The last one was more than fifty years ago. The last seer stayed loyal.”
“Right until he killed himself,” Fennsler added, stupid laugh coming with it. Got glares from other two that made me… felt satisfied. Smug.
“That’s not going to happen again, and we won’t kill him, either,” Teresa said, crossing arms, staring… glaring at handlers. “You certain he’s been lying?”
“There’s no doubt in my mind. The Lucidity changed something in him, made him see… more. He’s been lying through his teeth ever since,” Baum said, made me hit my head two… four times. Made me want to scream.
“Why?” she asked under breath, to no one. Almost… almost thought to me.
“He doesn’t want us to know. They always help for a time, but eventually?” Fennsler said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “They always turn on us. What they know, they don’t want us to know.”
“I can’t believe that. He just… he just doesn’t realize…” Teresa said, looking away, could see… could see her shaking. “Has he seen the book yet?”
“Why on Earth would we let him see the book? After Davies? He intended to burn it along with me,” Baum argued. No doubt now; that was real, this was real. Teresa knows about it all; not… can’t be good.
“He doesn’t understand. He’s… lost. Maybe the book will bring him back,” Teresa said, looking back at Baum. It was desperation. Hope. Things she should not have as a monster.
“Too much of a risk,” Fennsler said, but the woman turned to him like… opinions didn’t matter.
“You’re not qualified to make that call, Forneus,” she said, burned him with that tone. Would have called me “sweetie.”
“I am,” Baum said, heart… my heart sank. When she looked back, though.
“And you know that you can protect it from him. Let him look at it. Let him understand. The feel of its pages… there’s power in it,” Teresa mused, turned away from handlers to stare at the wall.
“If it brings back something worse? Something we can’t contain?” Baum asked, prompting Teresa to look back.
“If you somehow can’t take care of it, I will,” she said, then walked away. Was watching her walk when the vision ended.
Tired… now. Took energy to write all that detail. Can’t think… can’t see straight. Too much dosage, too much burden.
Still here. Still fighting. Will wait, will wait til I can think again.
If I can’t, don’t know how much hope to have, how much to justify.
But still need to know.
END OF ENTRY
Things are getting intense. Next one goes up on the 26th!