To The Esteemed Colonel Sanders,
I went forth as you commanded and tried to sell your chicken in these savage lands. In good faith I offered your bounty to these heathen peoples and Lord, oh Lord, how I have suffered for my trouble.
Things went well in the beginning, my Colonel. It will be of no great surprise to you that your chicken, slaw, gravy, mashed potatoes and your biscuits... sweet Jesus, those biscuits... they were well received. Perhaps too well. These people flocked to your banner. They all but trampled one another in their eagerness to feast on your succulent delicacies.
Then something happened. Some medicine man dripped dark poison in their ears and suspicion began to grow in their hearts. He spoke of saturated fats, cholesterol and salt content. He cursed the miracle that is deep frying. Blasphemy Colonel. Pure Blasphemy. But the simple people of this land were sympathetic to his sermons.
They came upon me one day, whipped into a frenzy and demanded to know how such foodstuffs were made. They over-ran the franchise. They demanded your secret recipe. As you know full well Colonel, I am no traitor to the cause. I told them nothing.
I was taken prisoner. Bound in their crude twine ropes, I was made a spectacle before them. Interrogated relentlessly. Beaten with reeds. Starved and strapped. Made to lie down in pig filth and drink from the same trough as those lowly beasts. I know that in the storied history of your empire you have been accused of cruelty to animals. But no chicken was ever treated as cruelly as I, this I can promise you.
Oh how they wanted that recipe! Oh how they tortured me, Colonel! But did I submit? Did I fold? Did I betray my oath to you and the good peoples of Kentucky? No! Never! I uttered not one word of those secret herbs and spices. And on the day I was freed I was elated with the knowledge that I had persevered! The recipe is safe colonel, as is my honor.
The physicians tell me I'll never regain the use of my right leg but I care not. Though I stand now on crutches, I stand taller than ever before. I have done my duty, kept my word and spread your delicious biscuits to these untamed lands.
I remain your faithful servant, my dear Colonel. Should you ever have need of me, I will answer your call.
Wyatt T. Hammersfammer