Dear Gillette Company by Landon Crutcher
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Dear Gillette Company,

As a loyal customer of yours for many years, I am writing now with a few questions. I hope you will be able to satisfy my curiosity and maybe give me some helpful hints that will lead to a more enjoyable shaving experience.

1. Why do your razors cost so much? I spend more on your razors than I spend on gasoline. Granted that is because I ride a bicycle and only use gas for huffing purposes. But I think you take my meaning. Did you know that in China, I can buy an iPhone for $17 American dollars? But still your razors cost me $19.95 for a pack of 10?

Not to knock your fine product, but an iPhone is a GPS enabled computer that can fit in my pocket, while all your product has to do is be sharp. Being sharp is a technological advancement we mastered roughly 4,000 years ago.

What's the deal man? If I have to give up either shaving or huffing gas, I think you know which one it will be, but I'm going to get a lot of gas in my beard.

2: Is it possible for you to coat your Men's razors with some kind of anti-lady chemical? When my wife uses my razor to shave her legs it gets very dull and hurts my face. Could it perhaps shock her if she tries to shave her armpits with it?

3: Why so many blades? I'll give you three blades. Fine, I get it, you like a ménage à trois of cutting action. Who doesn't? But four blades? Five blades? This is getting ridiculous. I don't need a blade orgy on my face. How am I supposed to control that many blades? Have the blades become self-aware? That many blades makes it seem like they're plotting something and I don't like it.

4. Why did you have to take the printer ink industry under your wing? Why did you school them in the ways of market manipulation? Your whole “give away the product but the refills are marked up 600%” philosophy? Thanks to you people I often find ink-jet printers in my breakfast cereal, but have to take out a second mortgage if I want to buy enough ink to print my "Why Razor Blades Are So Expensive" pie charts in color.

Not cool Gillette. Not cool.

5. Is there an official Gillette advice guide on how a man can shave his "private areas?" I don't mind telling you that I'm having some trouble. There have been some minor accidents and in case you are unaware, that entire area is pretty venous. Prone to bleeding is what I'm getting at. If you can help me out at all, I would really appreciate it. I’m going through a lot of underwear.

6. May I have some free Gillette MACH3 Turbo razors? There's no compelling reason for you to give me free razors. But there's no really compelling reason for you to NOT give me free razors.

You're going to give some jerk free razors this week, it might as well be me.

In closing, thank you for your fine, sharp, razors which have been scraping hair from my body for decades. I wish you well, please stop adding blades, please give me free razors and you had better hope nobody invents an iPhone app that can remove hair from my body.

Sincerely,

Landon Crutcher